Dear Penina,
We recently moved, and my wife has made a wonderful new group of friends. I’m genuinely happy she’s found nice people, because she’s a great person and a wonderful mom. The problem is, her new friends are a little less observant and more materialistic than we are, and I’m starting to worry about the influence they’re having on her.
It’s nothing major yet—just small things like a change in her dress, being more social, and a few minor differences at our Shabbos table. But I’m scared she’s becoming a little less religious, and I don’t want it to change the amazing connection we have or her influence on our family. I don’t want to criticize her or accuse her of anything, but I need to talk to her about how I feel. How can I share these fears with her in a loving and respectful way, so she understands this is about my feelings and not about me trying to change, control, or criticize her?
I love and respect her, and her friends are loyal, but they don’t have the same values as the close friends she had until now. I don’t think they are the best influence, and I fear this will influence her and our kids and lessen my respect for her. I don’t think there’s much I can do, but I can’t stay silent.
Sincerely,
A Worried Husband
Dear A Worried Husband,
Thank you for your heartfelt letter. You are in a really difficult position. It’s very important that you communicate your concerns with your wife. However, if the conversation isn’t approached properly, the issue can become a source of tension between you and your wife. It’s good that you are reaching out for help in navigating this sensitive issue.
The key to navigating this is to approach the conversation from a place of love and a shared vision for your family, not from a place of criticism or fear. Instead of focusing on the changes you’re seeing in her, focus on expressing your own fears. You can start by saying, “I’ve been feeling a little concerned since we moved. I’m afraid of the changes that can happen to our family and to us as a couple as a result of moving, specifically having new, different friends, including friends with different backgrounds.”
Let her know you’re not trying to stop her from being with her friends. Your goal is to communicate with mutual respect and understanding about this and every topic. You can discuss whether she’d be OK with you expressing fears that may come up around this topic. Make it clear you aren’t trying to change her friends, but that you have concerns about potential influence. You can include your fear of growing apart since she is more social and discuss how to stay connected.
You can also talk about the positive things you want to see in your home as you continue growing in your new environment. You can suggest creating new, positive rituals for connection. Perhaps you could institute a weekly date night or a daily five-minute check-in to talk about your days. Another idea is to start a tradition of family learning at the dinner table, which can be a beautiful way to connect over shared values.
A good rabbi can also be an invaluable resource for you individually. He can offer guidance on how to navigate this situation. The advice you receive may be to focus on your own observance and to avoid getting involved in certain aspects of your wife’s personal journey. This allows you to support her and your family while remaining true to your own values, without making her feel judged. I wish you all the best in finding a way for your love to flourish and for you to continue to grow together.
Sincerely,
Penina
Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples, and families. She received her master’s in social work from Fordham University in 2003 and advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Penina is also a passionate advocate of premarital education within the Jewish community and contributes to the field by training premarital educators, including kallah teachers. Penina can be reached at penina@peninafluglcsw.com.