Dear Penina,
I’m desperately seeking guidance. My wife and I have been married for four years. While dating, she was mostly easygoing, but since marriage she’s become judgmental, entitled, and critical, which takes a serious toll on our relationship.
The most painful issue is her relationship with my mother. Over minor disagreements and misunderstandings, my wife has become completely inflexible, creating immense tension. When I try discussing it, she deflects and claims I don’t stand up for her against my mom.
We come from different backgrounds, and I believe her expectations of my mother are unrealistic. My wife refuses to forgive my mom for past mistakes. I was raised with strong values of kibud av va’em and feel her unwillingness to spend time with my parents is wrong. My parents are kind, giving people who have always been there for me.
We tried therapy, but my wife quit, believing the therapist sided with me. She insists my family and I are the problem. Now I rarely see my parents because it upsets her.
I genuinely believe my mom is right and my wife is overly sensitive. I’m so hurt that I’ve lost some love and respect for her. We have good times, but she won’t hear how she’s hurting me.
How can I address these issues and communicate effectively without escalating the situation?
Sincerely,
Unhappy in Marriage
Dear Unhappy in Marriage,
What you’re experiencing is deeply unsettling, and it’s understandable that you feel discouraged.
From what you’ve described, it sounds like you and your wife are caught in a negative cycle of interaction. You see her as critical and disrespectful, especially regarding your mother, and when you try to address it, she blames you. This isn’t just about the issues themselves; it’s about the emotional distance and misunderstanding that have grown between you. When you mention losing respect and love, it highlights how profoundly this cycle is impacting your connection.
Understanding the Cycle of Disconnection
Let’s look at what lies beneath your wife’s “inflexibility” or “disrespect.” It might be her way of trying to protect herself or communicate an unmet need, even if it comes across harshly. Similarly, your hurt, disappointment, and feeling of disrespect are valid responses to feeling unheard and unvalued in the marriage. The conflict around your mother, while significant, is often a result of unmet attachment needs—in this case, very possibly fears about not being prioritized, not being understood, or not feeling emotionally safe in the relationship.
The Role of Family and Values
It’s clear that your close relationship with your mother and your strong value of kibud av va’em are central to who you are. Your wife’s actions feel like an attack on these core values and relationships. Her refusal to acknowledge your perspective or compromise, especially concerning your family, will inevitably lead to you feeling unseen and unheard. The fact that she quit therapy and blamed you suggests she’s also feeling threatened or misunderstood, possibly in a way that causes her to defend herself by withdrawing or shutting down.
Steps Toward Repair
While your wife is resistant to therapy, there are still steps you can consider.
Shift Your Approach to Communication:
When you try to talk about these issues, you likely both fall quickly into a pattern of attack and defense. Instead of focusing on who is “right” or “wrong,” or blaming her behavior, try to express your underlying feelings and needs. For example, instead of saying, “You’re disrespectful to my mom,” try: “When you’re unwilling to spend time with my parents, I feel deeply hurt because my connection with them is so important to me, and it feels like a rejection of a part of who I am.” These “I” statements are not about winning an argument, but about expressing vulnerability in a way that may invite a different response.
Identify Your Cycle (and share it with her):
Reflect on the specific sequence of events that usually leads to a fight. What do you do? What does she do? What do you each feel? Understanding this negative dance can help you see how both of you are unintentionally hurting each other and reinforce that it’s not about blame.
Individual Therapy for Yourself:
Seeking individual therapy could be incredibly beneficial. Doing so does not validate your wife’s claim that you’re to blame. A therapist can help you process your emotions, understand your role in the cycle, and develop more effective communication strategies. This is about empowerment, not fault.
Acknowledge Her Underlying Needs (if you can):
Even though her behavior is hurtful, try to consider what she might be feeling or needing—perhaps security, reassurance, or a sense of being prioritized. Approaching her with genuine curiosity, rather than accusation, may open a small door.
Your statement about losing love and respect is an important alarm bell. It signals that the emotional bond is weakening. The goal isn’t to force her to change, but to rebuild emotional safety and connection so both of you can express needs and vulnerabilities without immediate defensiveness.
This is a profound challenge, but your desire to improve the relationship is a powerful starting point. Identify the most immediate and manageable step you can take, and begin there. Hopefully, this will put you on a path toward repairing the bond between you and your wife.
Warmly,
Penina
Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples, and families. She received her master’s in social work from Fordham University in 2003 and advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Penina is also a passionate advocate for premarital education within the Jewish community and trains premarital educators, including kallah teachers. She can be reached at penina@peninafluglcsw.com.