Dear Penina,
I love my husband deeply, and we have a beautiful life with three young children. However, lately, I feel like we’ve become nothing more than roommates. Our entire day consists of logistics: who is picking up which child, what’s for dinner, what homework needs to be done, carpools, and which appointments, applications, or school forms need to be submitted for the children. By the time the kids are finally in bed, we are both so emotionally and physically drained that we sit on opposite ends of the couch scrolling through our phones until one of us falls asleep. We are both at fault for numbing with our phones and unwinding alone. We haven’t had a real conversation—one that isn’t about the kids or the bills—in months. I miss the “us” that existed before we were just “Mom and Dad.” I’m afraid that if we don’t find a way to reconnect now, we’ll wake up in 10 years as strangers. How do we find our way back to being marriage partners when we have so little left in the tank at the end of the day? I feel lonely and disconnected, and not close or loving at all.
Sincerely,
Disconnected
Dear Disconnected,
I am so sorry for the loneliness you are feeling, but I am also very glad that you are being proactive. Many couples wait until the kids are out of the house to realize they have ignored their marriage, and by that time there is often deep-seated pain and resentment. Our lives are incredibly busy, and while we all strive to be super-parents, being a “super-spouse” is equally important. Your marriage is the foundation of the entire family, and you are your children’s primary relationship role models. As Rabbi Shimon Russell beautifully says, “The best parenting intervention is to work on your shalom bayis.” (Avos D’Rabbi Nasan 28:3 presents a similar message.) Your children need to see you prioritize your marriage as much as you prioritize them, even while juggling intense schedules.
To shift out of “roommate mode,” I suggest focusing on two main strategies: increasing intentional connection and changing your daily routine. Often, working on one area leads to improvement in the other. Research shows that couples who incorporate small connection rituals report feeling significantly more connected. I highly recommend implementing a “no-phone” rule after work and before bed. Dedicate the time after the kids are settled specifically for “couple time.” This change in routine interrupts the habit of numbing out alone and encourages active engagement.
One powerful tool for this time is the Stress-Reducing Conversation. Set aside time for each partner to talk about their day. The golden rule is that this time is not for fixing or problem-solving; it is about active and reflective listening. Validation and understanding must always precede advice. By listening to your partner’s stressors without trying to manage them, you learn about their inner world. This prevents feelings from being “stuffed” until they eventually erupt and instead allows emotional intimacy, trust, and connection to deepen.
Beyond conversation, consider your physical proximity. Instead of sitting on opposite ends of the couch, try sitting together without devices. These small moments of intentionality signal that the relationship is the priority. In Attachment Theory, we learn that we never outgrow our need for love and nurturing. By reaching for each other, you are telling your partner, “I am here for you, and you matter to me.” As we say in EFT, a secure bond isn’t about the absence of stress, but about the presence of a partner who is accessible, responsive, and emotionally engaged.
It is easy to look at other couples and assume they simply have a better marriage, but the truth is that every happy couple is actively working on their relationship. Anything important in life takes effort, and marriage is no exception. If you shift your mindset to recognize that prioritizing your marriage is as important—or even more important—than professional success or providing for your children’s material needs, you will set yourself on the right path. True change starts with inspiration, but it requires practice and effort to transform habits into consistent, positive patterns.
Sincerely,
Penina
Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples, and families. She received her master’s in social work from Fordham University in 2003 and completed advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Flug is also a passionate advocate of premarital education within the Jewish community and contributes to the field by training premarital educators, including kallah teachers. She can be reached at penina@peninafluglcsw.com.