Dear Penina,
I love my wife and I think I’m a good husband. I work hard, I’m loyal and I’m always there when she asks for help. But lately, things have been tense. She tells me she feels starved for appreciation and that I’m illiterate when it comes to compliments or words of affirmation.
Honestly, I’m just not a “words guy.” I grew up in a home that was kind but pretty cool and unemotional, so this stuff doesn’t come naturally to me. Whenever she brings it up, I feel criticized and frustrated because I feel like I am showing love by being a provider and never saying no to her requests.
She also says she’s tired of always being the one to initiate dates or vacations. She has been resentful and frustrated lately, vacillating between acceptance and deep hurt. I see the wall she has put up; it’s not thick or high yet, but it’s there. We are usually good communicators, which makes it even more frustrating that these talks leave us both feeling defeated. I feel like I’m trying and she isn’t seeing my effort; she feels I don’t see her. We are both asking for more love in different ways. I want presence and quality time while she wants a deeper emotional connection born from feeling seen and appreciated. She’s even afraid to bring her feelings up because she thinks I won’t take it well. I want her to feel happier and more connected. I think she is special and I want her to feel special to me, but I clearly don’t know how to make her feel like my queen.
Signed,
Unskilled but Willing
Dear Unskilled but Willing,
I want to start by validating your effort. The fact that you are committed to your family and never say no shows a deep well of loyalty. However, your wife interprets love through words and initiation. To her, the fact that she has to ask for help or a date means the emotional labor is still on her shoulders. Please try to remember that she isn’t criticizing you. She is protesting for connection, but she can’t show that because you get defensive when she shows vulnerability. Her behavior stems from hurt, not disrespect or contempt.
The root of her resentment isn’t that you don’t do what she asks; it is that she has to ask at all. For a man who struggles with spontaneity, I recommend adopting a mindset of structured gifts and appreciation. It may feel unromantic to plan these things at first, but it is the only way to build the “appreciation muscle.” You might set a calendar reminder to plan one thing each month. It doesn’t have to be a grand vacation; it just has to be your idea. You can also ask her for a “softened startup” when she has a grievance. Tell her that you want to lead, but you need a little grace as you learn the ropes. When she brings things up, ask her to frame it as a longing for you rather than a failure of yours.
If you were raised in a cool home, treating your wife like a queen can feel like a foreign language. But romance is about intentionality. To bridge the gap between your upbringing and her needs, try setting an alarm on your phone to look for one specific thing she is doing and mention it. Specificity is much more powerful than a general “thanks.” Once a week, pick one thought to send in a text or say directly. For routine chores, don’t let her efforts go invisible. Tell her you notice how she keeps the house running smoothly. When you are home, be present and focused. See everything she is juggling; it is disrespectful to sit on your phone while she is cleaning up a meal. When you walk in from work, ask how you can help. She wants to be noticed for her juggling.
For many, a gift is a visual symbol that says you were thinking of them while you were apart. If you have trouble with follow-through, use the calendar to your advantage. Every Friday, bring home a small token like a favorite snack, a bouquet of flowers or a handwritten thank you card. This creates a rhythm of appreciation. For major holidays like Sukkot, Pesach and Chanukah, aim for something more substantial. For Rosh Hashanah, Shavuot and Purim, a smaller, thoughtful token is perfect.
If attentiveness and flowery words don’t come naturally, start with these small, consistent efforts. When you start taking these steps, her starvation will ease. She will feel seen and, as she feels more loved, she will naturally become warmer and more giving, providing you with the presence and quality time you crave. Your consistent effort in prioritizing her needs over your work and interests is the greatest way to show her how much she means to you.
Wishing you clarity and peace,
Penina
Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples and families. She received her master’s in social work from Fordham University in 2003 and advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Flug is also a passionate advocate of premarital education within the Jewish community and contributes to the field by training premarital educators, including kallah teachers. She can be reached at penina@peninafluglcsw.com.