Dear Penina,
We have been married for 15 years, yet our parents have never truly gotten along. During our engagement, a major dispute over financial promises nearly derailed our wedding. While the money issue was eventually settled, the harsh insults exchanged during that time created a rift that has never been repaired. Both of our fathers have strong, unyielding personalities; they aren’t the type to “sit on the sidelines” or play nice for the sake of appearances.
Because of this hostility, our wedding, sheva brachot, and the births of our children were stressful. For most of our marriage, we’ve managed by keeping the two sides apart, even hosting birthday parties without any grandparents just to avoid the awkwardness. We’ve tried everything: we’ve pleaded with them to find shalom for our sake, and we’ve even involved rabbis to mediate, but no one has been successful. Both sides are dug in, waiting for an apology that never comes.
Now, we are approaching our first major family simcha—our son’s bar mitzvah. We must invite everyone, but we are terrified that their conflict will shter (ruin) the simcha. This situation is deeply hurtful to us, and we both feel our parents’ refusal to reconcile is insensitive and unfair. It has strained our relationships with our parents. Do you have any suggestions for how we can manage this so our son’s big day isn’t negatively impacted by a 15-year-old grudge?
Sincerely,
Nervous Baal Simcha
Dear Nervous Baal Simcha,
This is truly upsetting, and I feel for you deeply. It is heartbreaking that a decade-old dispute continues to cast a shadow over your family, even impacting how you celebrate your children’s most precious milestones. Your children must also notice the tension, and it has an impact. It is particularly painful to hear that despite your appeals, your parents remain stuck in their positions, seemingly unable to prioritize your peace of mind over their pride.
I suggest that you and your wife each write a heartfelt, individual letter to your own parents. In these letters, do not rehash the old argument; instead, focus entirely on the ongoing pain this conflict causes you. Implore them to find a way to move forward—if not for their own sake, then for the sake of this momentous occasion. They may feel that the last 15 years were acceptable, but we know that, iy”H, there will be more simchas: bar and bat mitzvahs, graduations, weddings, and more. It must be difficult for them knowing that every time they want to visit their grandchildren, it requires coordination.
You must be clear: if they cannot fully reconcile, they must at least commit to a “truce” where they do not speak to or acknowledge one another at the event. As the baal simcha, your joy and your son’s experience must come first.
You may also want to consult with a family therapist. They can provide a space to help you draft these letters and offer strategies to manage your own anxiety so it doesn’t interfere with your enjoyment of the simcha. A professional can help you establish firm boundaries so that their conflict no longer dictates your future family decisions.
Please remember that you can only control your own actions. If any of these suggestions feel emotionally unsafe given your specific family dynamics, trust your instincts and use only what resonates. I wish you a beautiful simcha and hope that a sense of peace—or at least a respectful distance—can be reached very soon.
Sincerely,
Penina
Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples, and families. She received her master’s in social work from Fordham University in 2003 and advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Flug is also a passionate advocate of premarital education within the Jewish community and contributes to the field by training premarital educators, including kallah teachers. She can be reached at penina@peninafluglcsw.com.