Dear Penina,
My daughter is “in shidduchim,” and I’m very frustrated. Often when a suggestion is made for her, I want her to say yes, and she says no. She won’t accept my influence or talk to me. I feel she is limiting herself and being too picky. Whenever I try to present my opinion, it doesn’t go well. She gets triggered, feels attacked, and shuts down, and I am afraid she is talking to me less as a result. We both don’t feel heard or understood. Baruch Hashem, we have always had a close relationship. I have other married children and have some life experience to offer her. I really need advice because this is a very important time in her life when she needs my help, and we need open communication, as she will, God willing, have very important decisions to make. Please give me some advice.
Signed,
Frustrated Mom
Dear Frustrated Mom,
I feel your pain deeply. The situation you are describing is quite common and extremely difficult to navigate, especially because you cherish your close relationship and genuinely want to guide your daughter during this crucial time. You are correct that this period in her life is already stressful, and our goal must be to quiet the external noise so she can make clear decisions without undue pressure, while finding a healthy way for the two of you to work together.
The first step is to focus on understanding the dynamic, both within yourself and in your relationship with her. You have valuable life experience and a wealth of wisdom from raising other children, but the way you deliver this guidance is currently triggering a defensive reaction in your daughter, causing her to shut down and creating distance between you. This happens because, in her mind, advice or a suggestion to “give a yes” sounds like criticism or an attack on her judgment. You are both feeling unheard — she feels unheard about her selection process, and you feel unheard about your concerns.
To quiet this noise and move forward, try to look at the big picture and analyze the dynamic that is leading to the triggering. Consider the right time to have these conversations, ensuring neither of you is rushed, stressed, or right before or after a date. Your primary goal right now is not to offer immediate advice, but to give her your heart, your ears, and unwavering support. She needs listening, empathy, and guidance far more than advice. By truly listening to what she is saying and what her needs are, you empower her to think and speak to you from a place of strength and conviction.
When you have concerns about a match, express them calmly and non-critically, ensuring you acknowledge and understand her perspective first. She needs to know that you are there for her, that you make your private time with her a priority without interruptions, and that you love, support, and trust her to ultimately know what she wants for herself. When she is ready for advice, she will ask for it. Focus on empowering her to do the necessary thinking and action herself, trying not to overinvolve yourself in the process. If you find yourselves repeatedly stuck in this cycle, a properly trained dating coach or a therapist skilled in this specific area can be invaluable in helping both of you communicate effectively. I wish you all the best during this exciting time.
Sincerely,
Penina
Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples, and families. She received her master’s in social work from Fordham University in 2003 and advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Flug is also a passionate advocate of premarital education within the Jewish community and contributes to the field by training premarital educators, including kallah teachers. She can be reached at penina@peninafluglcsw.com.