Dear Penina,
My husband is incredibly devoted to our family and I know that. But his job keeps him on the road constantly. He is usually traveling two to three days a week and even when he’s home, he’s often working late into the night. We call it the golden handcuffs. The income has given us a comfortable lifestyle, but I feel like I’m slowly losing the marriage that’s supposed to be underneath it. Lately it’s not just distance, we’re actually fighting, because I’ve built up so much resentment. We don’t even know if his schedule will ever let up and there are nights I lie awake wondering if this is really what life is about and whether it’s worth it.
It feels like he cares more about work than he does about me. He’s so passionate about it. He doesn’t do anything to show appreciation for me holding down the fort while he travels. When I bring it up, his answer is always to get me more help around the house. I don’t want more help. I want him to partner with me. He throws money at problems instead of love. He even had his staff pick out gifts for me. And when I try to tell him how I’m feeling, he gets annoyed instead of trying to understand, so now I hesitate to even bring things up. It feels like he thinks I’m the problem for complaining too much.
We have four kids and always wanted a big family. They’re all boys, close in age, so it’s a very busy house. We have no family nearby, which makes things even harder and lonelier for me when he’s traveling. Even when we’re finally together, he’s not present and I end up resentful instead of grateful for the time we do have.
He says that he is doing this for a better future but I’m not sure that future will actually come, or that it’s worth what it’s costing us now. Supporting a frum lifestyle is expensive and we want a beautiful family, with more children please God, which only makes the pressure to keep earning at this level feel heavier. I also work, and it’s hard, and I don’t want to give it up, but I honestly don’t know if stopping would add to my stress or relieve it. We met in law school and I still work part-time and love my job, but it’s hard for both of us to work so much.
I knew his career would involve long hours. What I didn’t expect was that he’d be working weekends too. I thought Friday night through Sunday night would be our quality family time. I want him to come home earlier once or twice a week, even if he goes back to working after the kids are in bed. I want 30 to 60 minutes with him on the days he isn’t traveling. Is that too much to ask? Am I being unrealistic? I just want him to set boundaries that make us feel important when he is with us and to actually try to be present for that time. I’ll be understanding if things come up but I want him to make the effort. Right now it feels like it’s just work and kids, no us, and I know we have the potential for more. There is a lot of love, commonality and commitment between us. We just need to make the effort more consistently.
I’ll admit I don’t love having household help around either. I end up having to prepare for and manage them, which becomes its own job. What I actually want is for him to be more present and involved when he is home.
How do we protect our closeness when his career doesn’t leave much room for it and how do I deal with how resentful I’ve become? I knew what I was signing up for. I don’t expect him to help with bath, bed and homework during the week. I expect him to be present on weekends, holidays and for some vacation weeks each year. And I want to feel like he wishes he were with us, that this pace is temporary and that we’re working toward a place where it won’t always be this much travel. I want him to show us that we come first.
Sincerely, Missing My Husband
Dear Missing My Husband,
You’re carrying a lot right now, not just loneliness, but anger, hurt and resentment.
Your resentment didn’t come out of nowhere and I doubt it’s really about the last fight you had. Resentment usually builds slowly, from needs that were voiced and then, when nothing changed, quietly stopped being voiced because at some point it felt pointless to keep asking. That doesn’t excuse the fighting, but it does mean the fighting likely isn’t about whatever it looked like it was about in the moment.
You mentioned that when you try to tell him how you’re feeling, he gets angry instead of trying to understand and that you’ve started holding back rather than risk it. I want to flag what that’s probably doing to your marriage. The two of you have lost your main way of communication. Part of it is how you bring things to him. A complaint that lands as “you’re failing me” almost always gets defensiveness back, even from a husband who genuinely wants to do better. Try framing it as a shared problem instead of a personal failing. Say this schedule is hurting us, not you’re hurting me. Start by naming what you do appreciate, that he’s running himself ragged for this family, that none of this comes from not caring and then say what’s missing. He’ll hear you a lot better once he doesn’t feel like he’s being attacked.
It’s also worth admitting, to yourself and maybe to him, that there’s no easy fix for this challenge. A different job might mean more time together and less income. A calmer schedule might come with its own tradeoffs. Starting over somewhere new is its own kind of hard. None of that is simple and saying so out loud tells him you’re in this challenge with him, not just telling him that he’s wrong.
The other part of this is what happens outside the hard conversations. If every time you two connect is when something’s wrong, he’ll start bracing for criticism the moment you turn toward him. So reach for him when nothing’s wrong. A quick call in the middle of his travel day just to hear his voice, a real minute at the door before either of you mentions logistics, telling him out of nowhere one specific thing he did that you noticed. None of this replaces the hard conversations, but it changes what he associates you with. A husband who feels wanted has an easier time hearing “I need something different from you” without hearing “you’re failing.” And ask for time directly, in plain words, instead of waiting for him to notice. “I want more time with you” lands very differently than a complaint about his hours and most husbands are relieved to hear something that specific they can actually do.
You said that you’re both on your phones when you’re together. The phones are an easier fix. Agree together, out loud, that daily connection time means phones away, not just silenced, for however long your spending time together. It sounds small but it’s often the whole difference between sitting across from each other and actually being together. The bigger issue is that once a week isn’t matching what you need right now. You also need to say plainly (instead of pushing through it quietly.) Not “this isn’t date working,” but something closer to, I love our shabbosim together and I need something in between them too, even 10 minutes most days. Couples in hard times often assume one big weekly effort should carry the whole marriage when what actually protects closeness tends to be small and frequent, not occasional and large.
One more thing from your letter. When you raise this with him, he offers more household help. I doubt that’s him brushing you off. It’s more likely he’s solving the only problem he knows how to solve. Fixing is his language. It’s worked for him everywhere else, so when he hears “I’m struggling,” reaching for resources is the natural move. But you’ve already told me it doesn’t solve what you’re actually asking for. Tell him plainly, in close to these words: I’m not asking you to lighten my load. I’m asking you to be in it with me whenever you possibly can while still meeting your work requirements. Those are two different requests. You’ll both have to compromise, being more receptive and less judgmental of each other’s feelings, to find a rhythm that works.
The bigger question you raised, whether any of this is even worth it, whether the future you’re both counting on will actually show up, isn’t mine to answer for you and I wouldn’t try. But it’s too heavy to carry alone. Say it to him directly. Tell him you’ve started wondering if this is what you want your life to look like. A frum home with a growing family, please God, is genuinely expensive, and I understand the pressure that keeps him at this pace. But “we need the income” and “this exact pace has to go on forever” aren’t the same sentence, even when they feel like it from the inside. Have you two ever discussed this openly? If not, you should, before the schedule quietly turns permanent simply because nobody questioned it out loud.
Your own job belongs in this conversation too. You don’t know yet whether working is adding weight or keeping you steady and that’s a fair place to be, especially with a spouse who’s gone often. It sounds like there are parts of work you don’t want to give up but sometimes it really is just too much. I don’t think you’ll know which until you talk it through with him instead of deciding it on your own.
These conversations matter enough to deserve a time where you can both stay steady long enough to listen. I recommend couples make time to share their world and feelings almost every day, making sure both people get a chance to talk and to listen without defending or fixing, offering just support and validation instead. Even 15 minutes of daily connection, alongside real weekly time together, tends to show results quickly.
If you struggle to find time for this, write to me again.
Sincerely, Penina
Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples and families. She received her master’s degree in social work from Fordham University in 2003 and advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Penina is also a passionate advocate for premarital education within the Jewish community and contributes to the field by training premarital educators, including kallah teachers. She can be reached at dearpenina@peninafluglcsw.com or www.peninafluglcsw.com.