Dear Penina,
Thank you so much for writing your column. I was wondering if you could help me with a persistent problem. An important person in my life used to get angry with me frequently, often yelling, putting me down, and calling me names. Over the years, he worked on his anger and no longer treats me that way, but I still stiffen up at any negative feedback. I find myself constantly overexplaining and defending myself to prevent a “fire” that may not even be coming. It is as if I am trained to be ready for an attack, and I do not know how to interact normally in important relationships anymore. It is even hard for me to trust those who have never hurt me, and this is hurting my husband and my children. How do I let go of the past and stop being so defensive in every interaction?
Signed,
Issues With Trust
Dear Issues With Trust,
I appreciate your question because your experience is incredibly relatable. It sounds as though you truly want to move forward and that some of your external scars have healed, yet the internal sensitivity remains. It is wonderful that the person who hurt you has mended his ways, but as a family therapist, I suspect that while his behavior changed, the relationship itself was never fully repaired through a formal process. Without that “injury repair,” your nervous system remains in a state of high alert.
It is common for those we love most to be “punished” by the shadows of our past trauma. The coping strategies that you mentioned are like putting air in a tire that has a small hole. It is a good short-term solution, but until you fix the hole, it will be a recurring problem. Therapy can be expensive and time-consuming, and it often feels as though it hurts more before it feels better, but it sounds like you know you cannot delay this deeper work any longer.
When you have been conditioned to expect an attack, your brain stays in a “survival loop.” To break this, you may need specialized trauma-informed care. I highly recommend looking into modalities such as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and other trauma therapies. These modalities specifically target how trauma is stored in the body and help your nervous system realize that the danger has passed. Internal Family Systems (IFS) is another excellent approach that may be an option for your healing. I suggest calling a referral agency or therapist that you trust to help you find the right therapist.
In the meantime, there are several steps you can take to manage your reactions and create emotional safety within your home:
First, practice grounding techniques. When you feel yourself stiffen up or become defensive, try to stay grounded. Simple deep breathing can help tell your brain that you are safe in the present moment. Regular exercise, yoga, or meditation can also help lower your baseline anxiety levels.
Second, be transparent with your husband. If you feel a wave of defensiveness coming on, try to name it. You might say, “I am feeling triggered right now and I’m starting to get defensive. I need a moment to breathe so I can hear you properly.” This shifts the dynamic from a conflict to a shared effort.
Third, identify your specific triggers. Pay attention to which tones of voice or phrases cause you to “fire up.” When you can label a trigger, it loses some of its power over you. Before entering a difficult conversation, remind yourself: “This person is my ally, not my enemy. I am safe now.”
Last, remember that Hashem is the ultimate healer. Continue to daven for the clarity to see your own self-worth and for the strength to let go of the voices from your past. You deserve to live in the present, and with the right professional help, you can absolutely retrain your heart to trust again.
Wishing you clarity and peace,
Penina
Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples, and families. She received her master’s in social work from Fordham University in 2003 and advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Flug is also a passionate advocate of premarital education within the Jewish community and contributes to the field by training premarital educators, including kallah teachers. She can be reached at penina@peninafluglcsw.com.