Dear Penina,
I’m at my wit’s end. Every holiday season, my husband and I get into a huge fight about where to go. I want to spend all the holidays with my parents because our time there is short, loving, and calm. I would prefer to visit his parents for only a single Shabbos, but he insists on spending a full Yom Tov with them.
The problem is that his parents were very critical, reactive, and emotionally unavailable when he was growing up. That trauma has affected him, and by extension, our marriage. We’ve done so much work to improve our relationship, and I’m afraid that all of that progress will be lost if we go to his parents. I’m worried we’ll both feel stressed and disconnected.
My husband’s mother can be harsh and emotionally manipulative. If we don’t go for the holiday, she will guilt-trip him and speak about us to my husband’s aunts and grandmother, who will only hear her side and judge us. My husband says he wants to go because he’s afraid of “how it will look” to others, and he feels it’s “the right thing to do” for his parents. He also enjoys spending time with his siblings.
I don’t want my husband to resent me, but I truly don’t want to go to his family for Yom Tov. He doesn’t seem to understand why it’s so important to me that we don’t go. What should we do? How do we find a solution that protects our relationship while still respecting his family?
Sincerely,
Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck in the Middle,
This is a very tough—and very common—dilemma this time of year. (I discussed this in this column before Pesach.) Married couples often come from very different family emotional dynamics, and those differences can come to the surface when visiting in-laws for the holidays. It’s also difficult to balance the needs of your marriage with the desire to respect your parents’ wishes—especially when parents may be sensitive or hurt by these decisions. It’s even harder when you can’t fully explain to them why you prefer not to come.
When deciding if and when to visit a parent’s home that creates emotional challenges, here are some strategies to help you work through the decision together and prevent it from becoming a major conflict.
First, choose a good time and place for a meaningful conversation. All couples disagree at times. The goal is to keep it from escalating into a fight—and if it does, to repair it quickly and sincerely. Don’t sweep it under the rug. Make sure your spouse feels understood and that the issue feels resolved.
Let your husband know you’d like to discuss something important. Share how much you value the progress you’ve made in your relationship. Express your fears about Yom Tov calmly and without criticism. Invite him to share his feelings about spending Yom Tov with his parents. Weigh the pros and cons together. The goal is for both of you to feel heard, respected, validated, and understood.
Next, plan for success and manage expectations. If you decide to go, have a vulnerable conversation beforehand about what each of you will need to make the experience easier. You might plan strategies such as going for walks, visiting friends or extended family in the area, or coordinating time with siblings who create a more positive atmosphere.
Carefully evaluate the risks and benefits, and come to a joint decision—whether that means going for a shorter time or not going at all. Create small rituals to help you stay connected during the holiday. Be clear about what you each need from the other in order to get through it. If you decide not to go, try to minimize fallout by offering his parents a reason, even if it isn’t the full truth.
If you do go, present a united front. Be there for each other. Check in privately and validate one another’s feelings. When you both feel supported and understood, you can navigate the situation together—whatever you decide. To protect your emotional well-being, set healthy boundaries so that guilt-tripping does not dictate your choices.
Sincerely,
Penina
Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples, and families. She received her master’s in social work from Fordham University in 2003 and completed advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Flug is also a passionate advocate for premarital education within the Jewish community and contributes to the field by training premarital educators, including kallah teachers. She can be reached at penina@peninafluglcsw.com.