Dear Penina,
I’m struggling with a friendship that has left me feeling trapped and anxious. My friend considers me her best friend, and I don’t feel the same way. I have a few other close friends whom I really enjoy and appreciate, but this particular friend drains me emotionally. I am a very busy working mom in the sandwich generation, and I don’t want drama or stress from a friendship anymore. I simply want support and vulnerability in my friendships.
Whenever I spend time with other friends or don’t include her in my plans, she becomes upset, distant, or tries to guilt-trip me. She will ignore me or make passive-aggressive comments rather than communicate directly. Her expectations are exhausting and make me feel guilty or afraid to spend time with others, because I’m worried about hurting her feelings. She also makes my other friends feel uncomfortable because of her possessiveness.
I’m torn between maintaining the friendship and prioritizing my own feelings. How can I set boundaries without hurting her feelings? We have been friends longer than some of my closer friends, and the last thing I want to do is hurt her. However, I know I can’t continue like this. I’m feeling overwhelmed and unsure how to navigate this situation.
Sincerely,
Feeling Trapped
Dear Feeling Trapped,
I can feel the weight of your frustration and pain in this challenging friendship. We often develop close friendships before truly knowing someone, for a variety of reasons. This can lead to situations like the one you’re describing—where we later realize a friend can be difficult, demanding, overly sensitive, or simply not compatible, when it feels too late to backtrack. It’s like being caught in a relationship that’s no longer enjoyable for you, yet pulling back to a more comfortable level would be very hurtful to the other person.
I completely understand why you feel stuck. Navigating this kind of situation is incredibly hard, especially when you’re naturally inclined to people-please.
Let’s start with some coping skills that may help you feel less trapped:
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When you feel triggered by her behavior, pause before reacting and try to regulate your emotions using a relaxation technique before responding. You don’t always have to respond the way she wants—or respond at all. Just because we have phones doesn’t mean we need to be available to everyone. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your family. We can’t make everyone happy all the time.
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If she is demanding something or upset with you, ask yourself whether her expectations are fair and reasonable before doing something you don’t want to do.
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Practice saying “no” to others and “yes” to yourself by setting healthy boundaries that prioritize your own needs.
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Take time to evaluate what you are and are not comfortable with in this friendship, and don’t let her behavior dictate your actions. Decide what you will and won’t do going forward.
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If you want her to feel cared for, think about ways you can spend time together that you both enjoy, so you can fill her cup without draining yours. Show care in ways that work for you, and hopefully she won’t demand more.
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Remember, just because someone thinks something doesn’t make it true. If you believe in your boundaries, set them respectfully, and she doesn’t approve, that may naturally create some distance.
I know this isn’t easy, but it’s something most adults eventually have to face and work through in certain relationships.
Now let’s talk about some potential approaches to changing the relationship into something that works better for you. Without knowing you, your friend, or the full dynamic, I can’t say which approach is best—that’s something you’ll need to determine for yourself.
One option is having a direct and honest conversation with your friend about how you’re feeling. Being vulnerable rather than blaming can help minimize conflict. Focus on how the dynamic affects your feelings rather than calling out her behavior. For example: “I feel very stressed when you act disappointed with me.” This approach takes courage, but it could lead to greater understanding and a healthier dynamic.
Another option is to gradually create some space in the friendship. This might mean being less available or declining more invitations. Over time, this can help reset the dynamic and reduce the intensity of her expectations. Be aware that she may notice the change and feel confused or hurt if she doesn’t understand why.
If those options feel too daunting, you could maintain the friendship while setting firmer personal boundaries. This means being clear about what you are comfortable with and responding with kind firmness when she pushes back. With consistent boundary-setting, your friend may naturally adjust her expectations.
I hope these suggestions help you find a path forward that feels more authentic and fulfilling.
Warmly,
Penina
Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples, and families. She received her master’s degree in social work from Fordham University in 2003 and advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Penina is also a passionate advocate for premarital education within the Jewish community and contributes to the field by training premarital educators, including kallah teachers. She can be reached at penina@peninafluglcsw.com.