Dear Penina,
My wife and I are struggling with a deeply painful issue that now threatens to shatter our marriage and family life. We have a child with significant behavioral problems, and as the years have passed, our approaches to managing his behavior have diverged entirely. My wife just wants medication from the pediatrician rather than a multifaceted approach that I prefer, including utilizing appropriate consequences as well as going to a psychologist.
The problem is growing worse, and I’ve noticed a devastating pattern: my wife will never hold our son accountable for his outbursts. Instead, she instantly blames everyone else—his siblings (who now truly dislike him) or any “innocent bystander” who supposedly “set him off.”
This cycle is agonizing. Our son is learning to manipulate the system. He knows no matter what he does, his mother will rescue him, and his behavior is escalating. People are starting to dislike him because of his tantrums. I’ve noticed relatives and friends are making excuses not to spend time with us.
I believe this deep resistance to acknowledging our son’s need for real work stems from a pattern in my wife’s upbringing, where apologizing and asking for help—especially therapy—is seen as a weakness. In my family, we were taught to be open and honest about our shortcomings. In hers, love appears conditional, creating a need to project a perfect image. My wife believes she is protecting our son, but she is actually teaching him a harmful lesson that is making him worse.
The most tragic consequence is that one of his siblings is now showing signs of anxiety and depression, and it is because this sibling is the one who gets the most blame for triggering his brother.
I am frozen in silence during these moments, watching her inflict this damage on our other children. My son is getting worse, my marriage is strained, and my other children are suffering. Penina, how do I break through this deep-seated pattern of avoidance? How can I get my wife to acknowledge the issue and save our son?
Hopeless
Dear Hopeless,
This is an incredibly difficult place to be, and your pain is palpable. Please know that many of your struggles are shared by parents raising children with complex needs, and there is help available—even if it is difficult to find the right help. While you are asking many layered questions, the core issue is that you and your wife are drifting apart on how to handle your son’s behavior, and this chasm is now threatening your entire family unit. You have reached a critical point where confrontation, motivated by love, becomes a necessary action.
You are right: your wife is likely struggling to cope with the immense stress, shame, and judgment she feels from the outside world, which may leave her feeling highly dysregulated. This suffering is perhaps even harder for her to cope with than for you, due to a combination of nature and nurture. This pain may be driving her need to control the narrative by blaming others, which she mistakenly believes is protecting your son. However, it is excruciating for you to watch this protective mechanism turn your family away and teach your child to avoid accountability.
I know it is easier said than done, and conflict is hard, but for the sake of your children and your marriage, you should try to get on the same page. Since broaching this issue with your wife feels overwhelming, you may want to speak to a therapist alone first to guide you on how to best initiate this crucial conversation without immediately escalating conflict.
As you approach her, remember to soften your approach. Understanding that her defensive behavior stems from deep pain and fear may help you communicate better so that she can be more receptive to your message. The ultimate goal, however, is therapy from a specialist who can treat your son’s specific behavioral issues, as well as provide parenting strategies. The goal isn’t to judge or defeat your wife, but to find a way for both of you to respect and support each other’s views. Once you reach that goal, the next step is to create a unified front to parent your child, or the pattern will continue to tear you apart.
It sounds like you are feeling stuck and helpless right now because your wife is holding onto control. This is the moment to gently but firmly reclaim your voice in this partnership. You can approach your wife, without blame, and clearly and calmly share that your heart can no longer bear to watch this unhealthy dynamic burden your family. It is absolutely okay for you to step up now, research the specialists who can truly help your son, and initiate the first appointment for couples or parenting therapy. Taking this lead is an act of love for everyone. Once you begin therapy, you may find that your younger children also need some therapeutic support to help mend the hurt and the feeling of being marginalized when the “squeaky wheel” has been demanding all the attention.
Remember this critical truth: avoidance makes today feel safe but tomorrow harder. Action makes today hard but tomorrow easier. You have the power to stop this pattern, and the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be to fix.
I hope these ideas are helpful. I wish you much hatzlacha.
Sincerely,
Penina