Dear Penina,
I feel like I’m completely alone in my marriage. My wife is happy as long as I go to work and help her with everything, but she doesn’t ask to spend time together or greet me warmly. I do all of the initiating, and I’m completely burned out. I feel alone, ignored, and rejected. I try to talk to her about it, but she doesn’t like discussing feelings. She gets annoyed and defensive, so I end up feeling like she sees me as needy.
I know my wife had a harder childhood than I did, and I think that may be part of the reason she isn’t as close with her family as I am with mine. She is a great wife and mom, and we love each other and are committed. We would do anything for each other if there were a clear need. But I’m not content just being co-parents who run a nice home. I want to feel special and loved. How do I bring this up again when it never goes well?
I can’t stay silent and unhappy forever. I long for a deeper connection and emotional intimacy. She doesn’t realize that her emotional distance makes me less loving, warm, and open toward her. She doesn’t think we need therapy because she believes therapy means something is wrong with us. I grew up in a more growth-oriented, therapy-positive home. I’m at a loss—please help. I don’t want to leave her, God forbid, but I won’t be happy with the status quo. She doesn’t understand because we’re not fighting, so she assumes everything is fine.
Sincerely,
A Lonely Husband
Dear Lonely Husband,
The scenario you’re describing is actually quite common. I see this dynamic with couples in my office almost every day. We call it the “pursue-withdraw dynamic,” and it is the most common “dance” between partners.
The withdrawer is often conflict-avoidant, uncomfortable expressing needs and vulnerability, and content with the status quo—sometimes unaware of the closeness he or she is missing. The pursuer is the one who asks for dates, seeks more closeness, and voices concern about disconnection. When the pursuer asks for more, the withdrawer may feel criticized, blamed, or not good enough, and respond by becoming defensive, withdrawing further, or playing the victim. This leaves the pursuer feeling dismissed and rejected.
I imagine this dynamic resonates with you, and I hope it helps clarify what may be happening. Now we need to focus on how you can begin to change this pattern. Ideally, you would see a couples therapist. However, from your description, that may not be an option yet.
Here are some ways to approach your wife:
First, find a quiet, calm moment to share your feelings. Let her know you have something difficult to bring up because you’re afraid of hurting her feelings, and emphasize that you’re not upset or blaming her.
Second, acknowledge her strengths and the strengths in your marriage. Then gently explain how you feel when you experience disconnection.
Third, frame the issue as a “dance.” Share that you’ve been reflecting on a repetitive cycle you’ve noticed—how your different personalities and backgrounds may be unintentionally triggering and hurting both of you, and getting in the way of feeling loved and connected to the woman you care about most.
Fourth, speak vulnerably. Calmly explain that you feel stuck, misunderstood, or unimportant. Discuss love languages. Suggest practical ideas that could help her feel less criticized and help you feel less ignored. You might suggest reading and discussing books like The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman or Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson if she’s open to it.
Change is not easy, but it is important. By focusing on mutual understanding and communication, you can begin building the emotional intimacy you’re longing for.
Sincerely,
Penina
Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples, and families. She received her master’s in Social Work from Fordham University in 2003 and completed advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Penina is also a passionate advocate for premarital education within the Jewish community. She contributes to the field by training premarital educators, including kallah teachers. She can be reached at penina@peninafluglcsw.com.