Dear Penina,
I really enjoy your column and hope you can help me. I have a very difficult question, and I fear there’s no good answer. My relationship with my younger brother has been tenuous for years, since our parents’ messy divorce. He has mental health issues and refuses to get help. As a result, our relationship is very strained. He’s angry, unstable, and unpredictable, and he has hurt my sister and me a great deal over the years. We have had on-and-off contact depending on his mental state—unfortunately, it’s more off than on. I have gotten help and accepted this painful reality with the support of my friends and family.
However, my son’s bar mitzvah weekend is approaching, and I don’t know what to do. All of the festivities are over Shabbos, and it’s really a lot to have him come for the entire Shabbos. One option is not to invite him, but I fear his wrath and badmouthing me—we don’t live in the same community, but we send our children to the same schools and have some common friends. Another option is to invite him, but I fear he’ll make a scene, interfere with the simcha, or force me to walk on eggshells the entire Shabbos, taking away my focus from my son. Should I tell him he can’t come because of his behavior? Should I ask my son if he wants him there? I’ve gone over this in my head and discussed it with others, but I still can’t find a solution that works for me. Please help me.
Thanks,
Scared and Confused
Dear Scared and Confused,
I feel for you. This situation is anxiety-provoking and extremely challenging at a time when you want to enjoy this milestone. Without knowing your brother’s diagnosis or behavioral tendencies, I’ll do my best to guide you. I don’t think it’s necessary to ask your son to decide, as this is really your decision. I appreciate your concern for including him, and you can certainly explain your decision to him. I understand that no option is ideal, and you may need to weigh which one will cause you the least anxiety.
Let’s go through your options. The best way to handle this, if time and willingness are on your side, is to go to family therapy with him. You can bring up these issues in a safe space with a professional to guide you through the process. This option would not only help you deal with the bar mitzvah, but more importantly, help you address the broader issue that seems to be weighing on you constantly and may affect future occasions as well. This would, of course, require his participation, and if he’s not willing, this wouldn’t be an option.
I realize that in these situations, the aggressor is often unwilling to get help or participate in mediation. However, sometimes when a person hits rock bottom or certain life events arise, they may be more open than in the past. To have the best outcome, you will need professional guidance on how to broach the topic, and finding the right therapist is very important. There are excellent referral organizations that can help with this. My private practice is dedicated to couples and families trying to repair relationships. One strategy I often use in situations like this is to meet with you and your brother separately first. This levels the playing field and helps him become comfortable with me before meeting together. This is why choosing the right therapist is crucial.
If therapy isn’t an option and you don’t invite him, you know he’ll be very upset, but you’re unsure how he’ll react. Consider what he’s capable of and whether you’re willing to risk those possibilities. If you can live with the consequences, you may be able to enjoy the simcha without worrying about his behavior. You may also want to consider therapy to help you manage the anxiety around not inviting him and dealing with potential repercussions.
If therapy isn’t an option and you’re not willing to risk the fallout of not inviting him, another possibility would be to invite him to a meeting with a trusted friend, family member, or rav whom you both respect. This would allow you to discuss your feelings and fears about the simcha and set some boundaries. It may also give you a chance to hear each other out and create a more manageable situation if you do include him.
I would also strongly recommend assigning a “bodyguard”—someone who is aware of the situation and can monitor things or intervene if issues arise. This could be a friend, relative, or someone close to both of you.
Whichever option you choose, you don’t have to go through this alone. I suggest finding a skilled family therapist to consult with when these issues and difficult emotions come up in general.
I hope these ideas help you evaluate your options with greater clarity. I trust that you’ll choose what works best for your family. I wish you a wonderful bar mitzvah celebration filled with pure joy and free of pain. Mazel tov! May your children bring you much nachas.
Sincerely,
Penina
Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples, and families. She received her master’s degree in social work from Fordham University in 2003 and completed advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Penina is also a passionate advocate for premarital education within the Jewish community and trains premarital educators, including kallah teachers. She can be reached at penina@peninafluglcsw.com.