Dear Penina,
I’m struggling with something in my relationship with my spouse. We seem to show and feel love in completely different ways. I’m constantly trying to express my love and care, but no matter what I do, it never seems to be enough or the “right” way. I put in so much effort, but it’s never perceived as genuine or sufficient.
My question is: How do we bridge this gap when we have such different needs and preferences for how we want to be shown affection? What can I do when I feel that I’m always the one adjusting and trying, but my efforts still fall short? And is it ever okay to ask the other person to recognize that I am showing love, even if it doesn’t match exactly what they’re looking for or prefer?
I feel like I’m trying to fill a bottomless pit, and I’m exhausted.
Signed,
Trying to Fill a Bottomless Pit
Dear Trying to Fill a Bottomless Pit,
Your pen name resonates with me deeply. As a therapist, I often hear clients complain that a loved one seems like a bottomless pit who can never receive enough affection to feel satisfied. If your partner truly cannot trust that your love is real, they may be experiencing what I call a “love deficit” from earlier in life. This is exhausting for the person on the giving end. It often leads to burnout or a desire to give up, as the constant criticism makes you feel that your efforts are never truly appreciated. However, another possibility is that your partner is emotionally healthy but you are simply not expressing affection in the specific way they need to receive it. If you are not consistent in showing love through the methods that resonate with them, they will continue to feel empty regardless of how much effort you believe you are putting in.
It is very common for spouses or children to have different needs and preferences for how they want to be shown love. This mismatch causes significant hurt because we tend to show love in the way we want to receive it, rather than the way the other person actually feels it. Some people feel most loved through words of affirmation and verbal appreciation. Others need quality time and undivided attention. Still others feel cared for through acts of service, physical touch, or receiving thoughtful gifts. To reconcile this, I recommend having deep, non-critical conversations where each person explains how they feel when they do and do not receive love. Being seen, heard, and validated is the essential starting point for any repair.
I suggest that each of you read Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages and then read the chapters that resonate with each of you together. A couple should never expect one another to read minds; instead, you must learn to ask for what you need directly. As a partner, it is our duty to prioritize showing love in the way the other person requires. To answer your specific question about bending, the answer is that both people must bend. One person must bend by noticing and accepting imperfect efforts, while the other must bend by making it a priority to show love consistently in the correct language.
In our lives, family and connection are what provide the most meaning. Nothing stays the same; we are either growing or declining. While there are hectic times in every marriage, we should always strive for a growth mindset. Bending to meet your partner’s needs is not a sign of weakness, but an investment in the foundation of your entire family. By learning to express love in the ways they can truly receive it, you aren’t just filling a pit; you are building a bridge that will impact your children and future generations.
Wishing you clarity and peace,
Penina
Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples, and families. She received her master’s in social work from Fordham University in 2003 and advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Flug is also a passionate advocate of premarital education within the Jewish community and contributes to the field by training premarital educators, including kallah teachers. She can be reached at penina@peninafluglcsw.com.