Dear Penina,
I need help. I am the mother of a few children who are dating, and I love being involved in this process. I think about who might be right for them, I ask around, I daven for them, and I take it seriously. In these specific situations, the shadchanim are adding stress for me and my kids to an already stressful situation.
Some of them, including a few who are my own friends, push so hard when I say an idea isn’t right. They don’t just suggest it and let it go. They ask me why not, they tell me I’m being too picky, and they make hurtful, incorrect comments about how my kids shouldn’t be so picky given their situations and that they are making things worse for themselves. I end up feeling bad for days. But I know my kids. I know what they need and who might make them happy, and I usually have good instincts about this. But somehow, after one of these conversations, I walk away doubting myself and feeling like a bad mother, or a bad friend, for saying no.
It’s even harder with the shadchanim who are my friends. I don’t want to hurt the friendship or make things awkward. So sometimes I say yes to a date I don’t believe in just to avoid the guilt trip. That isn’t fair to my kids, and it creates unnecessary tension between us at a time when our relationship needs to be strong and supportive.
How do I hold my ground without being rude and without absorbing all this stress?
A Mother Under Pressure
Dear Mother Under Pressure,
The first thing I want to say is that you sound like exactly the kind of mother every young person hopes to have. You are paying attention, you are thoughtful about who might actually be a good match, and you are willing to say no when your gut tells you to, even though it costs you something to do it. That instinct is worth protecting.
Let’s reframe what’s happening. A suggestion comes in, you consider it honestly, and you decide it isn’t right. That should be the end of the conversation. Instead, you’re getting pushback, guilt, and sometimes comments that are frankly hurtful, suggesting your kids are too picky or that they’re somehow making their own situations worse. That isn’t feedback. That’s pressure, and you shouldn’t have to be dealing with pressure.
You also touched on something important. When you say yes to a date you don’t believe in just to avoid a guilt trip, it doesn’t only cost you. It costs your kids too, whether that’s their time and emotional energy or the quiet tension it creates between you and them at a moment when they need you fully in their corner. Holding your boundary here is beneficial to you and to them.
I want to bring in an idea from Mel Robbins’s book «Let Them,» because I think it applies to your situation almost perfectly. The idea has two halves. The first half is “Let Them.” Let the shadchan feel frustrated. Let her push, let her sigh, let her think you’re being too particular. That reaction belongs to her. It is not your job to manage her feelings or talk her out of her frustration. You can be warm and gracious while she has that reaction, but you don’t have to fix it or absorb it.
The second half is “Let Me.” Let me be the one who decides what’s right for my own child, because I am the one who knows my child. Let me trust the read I have on this situation, even if I can’t fully explain it in a way that satisfies someone else. Let me say no without turning it into a debate. Those two halves together are what let you stay kind and stay firm at the same time.
Chazal teach that a person’s zivug is announced by a heavenly voice 40 days before that child is even formed and that bringing two people together is compared to the splitting of the Red Sea, something only Hashem can accomplish. Our part, our hishtadlus, is to do the legwork with sincerity. To think it through, ask around, daven, meet the suggestions that seem worth meeting, and also to say no when something isn’t right. But the actual matching, the real shidduch, is not in the hands of any shadchan, however devoted or well connected she is. She is a shaliach in the process, not the one deciding the outcome. Hashem is the real shadchan. When you hold onto that, saying no to something that isn’t right stops feeling like you’re blocking a door that only He can open. You’re simply doing your hishtadlus honestly and leaving the rest where it belongs, with Him.
Saying no is genuinely hard, even for people who are otherwise confident and clearheaded. Most of us were raised to be agreeable, to avoid conflict, and to worry about what people will think of us if we don’t go along with things. So if you feel a pull to just say yes and get it over with, that isn’t a character flaw. It’s a very human reflex, and it takes real practice to override it.
A few practical scripts might help. When a suggestion isn’t right, you can say something like, «I really appreciate you thinking of my child, but I don’t think this is the right fit,» and then stop talking. You don’t owe a full explanation, and a long justification usually just gives the other person more to argue with. If she pushes further, you can say, «I hear that you feel strongly about this one, and I trust that you mean well, but I know my child best and my answer is no.» If it’s a friend, you might add something personal to protect the relationship, like, «This doesn’t change how much I value you or our friendship. It’s just a no on this particular idea.» Warmth and boundaries can absolutely coexist in the same sentence.
It’s also worth holding two things as true at once. Most shadchanim are not trying to be unkind. Many of them push because they’ve seen daters who genuinely needed a little encouragement to give someone a fair chance, daters who didn’t have a parent as involved and thoughtful as you are guiding them, or daters who said no for shallow or fear-based reasons that had nothing to do with the actual person. A good shadchan learns to push a little because sometimes that pushing helps. But that doesn’t mean every no deserves pushback, and it certainly doesn’t mean guilt or hurtful comments are acceptable tools. There’s a real difference between «Are you sure you don’t want to hear a bit more before deciding?» and making a mother feel like a failure for trusting her own judgment. You are allowed to appreciate someone’s efforts and intentions while still telling them, clearly, that this particular approach doesn’t work for you or your family.
You seem very capable. You know your children, and you take this responsibility seriously. Continue to do your hishtadlus with honesty and let other people’s reactions belong to them.
Wishing you and your children
much hatzlacha,
Penina
Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples, and families. She received her master’s degree in social work from Fordham University in 2003 and advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Penina is also a passionate advocate for premarital education within the Jewish community and contributes to the field by training premarital educators, including kallah teachers. She can be reached at dearpenina@peninafluglcsw.com or www.peninafluglcsw.com.