Dear Penina,
I am struggling with a situation that has weighed on me for years, ever since my daughter got married. I kept hoping time would soften my feelings toward our mechutanim, but instead, the situation has become more complicated as the family has grown.
From the beginning, the relationship between our two families felt strained. During the engagement period, there were repeated misunderstandings about expectations and decisions. What was supposed to be a joyful time often left us feeling criticized or sidelined. At the time, I told myself that wedding stress brings out the worst in people and that things would settle afterward. They didn’t.
Now there are grandchildren, birthday parties, and other milestones that create even more uncomfortable interactions. What makes it difficult is not one dramatic event, but the ongoing feeling that the two families operate from completely different worlds. We approach family with openness, flexibility, and generosity, and we are working to guide our children toward financial independence. They approach things with control, strong opinions, and a tendency to dominate the atmosphere, despite living far away. We contribute to everyday expenses, while they provide more luxurious items, yet their generosity often comes with strings attached. Their gifts create pressure, and that pressure interferes with our time with our children.
We often feel they pressure the children to spend more time with them, and because we never want to hurt the kids or put them in a difficult position, we don’t assert ourselves or push back. This is especially true during Yomim Tovim, when the pressure for the children to be with them is intense. They make them feel guilty, saying that they have no other grandchildren. We step back to avoid causing friction, but it leaves us feeling sidelined.
I know everyone has strengths and flaws. But internally, I carry tremendous anger, disappointment, and regret over what the relationship between our two families has become. I find myself replaying old grievances and feeling anxious before every interaction with my mechutanim.
How does a parent let go of resentment toward mechutanim when the relationship feels chronically painful? How do you maintain healthy boundaries without placing your married child in the middle? And how do you stop family differences from poisoning what should be joyful moments?
Signed,
Trying to Make Peace With It
Dear Trying to Make Peace With It,
The situation you are describing is deeply painful and emotionally exhausting. What makes it especially difficult is that it is not one dramatic conflict, but an ongoing clash of values, personalities, and expectations that leaves you feeling hurt and resentful over time.
However, one of the hardest truths of being a mechutan is accepting that you cannot control how the other side behaves. It is also important not to share these frustrations with either the mechutanim or your children, as doing so will almost certainly create greater tension and complications. Protecting shalom must remain the priority, even when emotions run high. Your instinct to avoid putting the kids in the middle—especially when it comes to the pressure surrounding Yomim Tovim—is a sign of your love, but it requires a very high level of emotional discipline.
One important shift in perspective is letting go of the expectation of matching. Many generous and supportive parents naturally hope the other side will approach family with the same warmth, flexibility, and giving spirit that they themselves bring. But people are different. It is helpful to remember that all parents and grandparents differ in their strengths, weaknesses, and the ways they show love. If you are caring, generous, and emotionally supportive, you cannot expect others to operate the same way.
What matters most is that your mechutanim treat your child well, respect the marriage, and do not interfere or cause harm. If they are kind and decent to your son or daughter, that alone is something to genuinely appreciate. Try to identify the specific, positive ways that your mechutanim help your children and focus on appreciating that part of their contribution. Making a conscious effort to recognize the ways they do show up can help soften some of the ongoing frustration and disappointment.
When expectations are too high, disappointment becomes constant. If you stop expecting equal generosity or identical values, you will feel less wounded by every interaction. When the Yom Tov schedule feels lopsided because the other side dominates the time, let your children know how important spending time with them is to you. Try to guide and empower them to make their own choices without making them feel guilty or pressured. That way, you are not simply surrendering precious Yom Tov time, but you are also not making things more difficult for your children.
It is also worthwhile to examine your own giving. Your child and their spouse are adults building their own lives, and while helping them is beautiful, your support should come from a healthy and comfortable place. Give only what you can give freely, without resentment or hidden expectations that the other side will contribute in equal measure. This helps prevent the imbalance from feeling personal.
At the same time, do not carry this distress alone. Longstanding resentment can quietly consume emotional energy and affect your own well-being. Find a supportive outlet, whether through a trusted friend, mentor, or therapist, so these feelings have a healthy place to be processed instead of building internally. Work on not taking things personally. This is a difficult muscle to build, but if you do the work, the benefits can be enormous for all the relationships in your life.
When interactions with the mechutanim do happen, try not to rehearse old grievances in your mind. That only poisons your own experience. Instead, focus on remaining polite, calm, and emotionally grounded. You do not need deep closeness with them in order to maintain family peace. Being civil and respectful is enough.
Most importantly, keep your attention on your relationship with your child, their spouse, and your grandchildren. By lowering expectations, appreciating the good where it exists, protecting shalom, and focusing on your own family bond, you give yourself the best chance of finding peace.
Wishing you clarity and peace,
Penina
Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples, and families. She received her master’s degree in social work from Fordham University in 2003 and completed advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Flug is also a passionate advocate for premarital education within the Jewish community and contributes to the field by training premarital educators, including kallah teachers. She can be reached at penina@peninafluglcsw.com.