Dear Penina,
I’m recovering from a serious illness, and while the physical part is challenging, what’s hurting me just as much is feeling unheard by the people around me. Everyone seems to have an opinion about what I should be doing, how I should be coping, or what choices I ought to make. I know they want to help, but I feel like my own voice keeps getting pushed aside.
I’m tired of people assuming they know what’s best for me without asking what I actually want or need. Their intentions may be good, and I want support, but I want it on my terms. I want to feel like I still have control over my life, my recovery, and my decisions. What I don’t want is to constantly defend myself or explain why I’m choosing certain treatments, routines, or coping methods.
How can I ask the people who care about me to listen without making them feel pushed away? How do I set boundaries when I’m afraid of seeming ungrateful? Any advice on how to handle this would mean so much.
Sincerely,
A Frustrated Patient
Dear Frustrated Patient,
Feeling unheard is truly awful, especially when you have so much on your plate. Ideally, the people who love you and form your close support system should be lightening your load, but it sounds like they are often making it worse. I want to validate that what you are feeling is completely normal, justified, and very common for people navigating a crisis. I have seen countless times in my professional and personal experience that often, people who have not been through a similar loss or crisis simply do not understand or know how to be supportive; they need education, just as we all do when facing a new situation. The problem is, right now, educating them is not your job.
The challenge here is that people often try to support you the way they would want to be supported (the Golden Rule), but that may be the opposite of what you need right now. To truly receive the support that helps you, they should be following the Platinum Rule: treat others how they want to be treated. This means the people in your life need to know what you need, but the effort required to teach them can be exhausting.
To manage this dynamic and protect your energy, I often share wisdom from Sheryl Sandberg, who advocates for open communication while using a simple boundary rule: comfort in, dump out. This means that those offering support should direct empathy, love, and help inward toward the smaller, more central circle (you). Conversely, they should share their own feelings, fears, and frustrations outward, with their wider circle of friends or extended family. This framework ensures you are not burdened with the emotional baggage, questions, or comments of others. They should only be listening, showing love, and providing tangible support.
Remember, you are the patient, and you are busy enough navigating appointments, insurance, and the concrete and emotional needs of your immediate family. You are the one driving this bus, and your primary responsibility is to yourself and your inner circle: your husband and children. You cannot worry about managing the feelings of anyone outside that immediate circle.
Since humans are complicated and many well-meaning people display hurtful behavior, the key is to set clear boundaries to conserve your energy. If you are fortunate enough to have one close, healthy friend or sibling, you can enlist them as your advocate. You can say, “I need your help. Can I tell you what is helpful right now and what isn’t, and can you share that with others on my behalf?” For people who are not good at talking, you can use short, gentle communication. A simple text like, “I’m not up for talking, but thank you for your love,” is enough. If someone starts giving unsolicited advice, you are absolutely entitled to cut the conversation short with, “I have to go.” You are not being ungrateful; you are simply protecting yourself. I hope these ideas help you navigate this difficult time with more peace and less guilt.
Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples, and families. She received her master’s in social work from Fordham University in 2003, and advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Flug is also a passionate advocate of premarital education within the Jewish community and contributes to the field by training premarital educators, including kallah teachers. She can be reached at penina@peninafluglcsw.com.